Queen Bees

I'm re-reading a book called Mean Girls Grown Up, by Cheryl Dellasega. It examines the relationships that women have with each other and discusses how a lot of the personalities and behaviors from our middle school years stay with us as adults. The purpose of the book is to discuss why women treat each other the way we do and hopefully help change behaviors so that we can work on supporting each other more instead of being our own worst enemies.

I'll be the first to admit I'm guilty of certain behaviors in the book. I know of a lot of women who have as well. But I think it's step in the right direction to recognize what we do to each other and why we do it. It won't make me perfect, but it will help me treat other women better.

Why do women treat each other poorly? A lot of the behavior stems from jealousy. You want to look like someone else, have another person's car, wish that you and your husband had the kind of money that another couple does. When we're thinking rationally, we see that it is what it is and just move on. But when we let ourselves be affected by relational aggression (explained in the book), we subconsciously find ways to make the person we feel jealous of feel bad about themselves.

Sometimes the behavior comes from a negative feeling of self-worth or depression. You feel bad so why shouldn't everyone else?

The book has three main categories for grouping women's behaviors: Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bee. I can see examples of these in women I'm in contact with. Queen Bees are the most aggressive types of personalities. These are the women who are nondiscriminatory with gossiping and pushing other people's buttons. One minute they'll be sweet as sugar talking with you and letting you believe they're your friend, but as soon as you're gone and someone else is in the picture the tables turn and you become the topic of discussion.

I'm reading the book for a couple of reasons. Obviously, to better myself is one. I'm also trying to become better at not just trusting people but also learning who to trust. It takes a while for me to build up trust with other women, and then when I feel that one has slighted me I have an extremely difficult time allowing myself to forgive and trying to trust that person again. It's easier for me to just cut that person out of my life, maybe not entirely but at least cut down on the time I'm around them. I'm also not very good at hiding my feelings when I don't like someone or when I'm annoyed with somebody. It's hard to be nice and polite to someone you don't trust.

As I read more of the book, I'll probably come back to this topic. Sociology was one of my favorite classes in college, and I'm fascinated with how different relationships work. And if you get a chance to read the book, I highly recommend it.